my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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