She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
