if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You ruined the universe
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
