Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
