If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
