I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
