Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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