I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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