She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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