1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize