Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
