who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
