You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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