Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
