It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
