I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
