I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
