So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
