it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Little spoons don't ask big questions
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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