hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
