Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
