I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
