Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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