Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Who died my cat blue again?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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