i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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