I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
