Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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