I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
