Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
