the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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