I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
