I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
