i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
