That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
