if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
where are you?
Hypothermia
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
