So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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