I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
