I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You took a bar mat shot.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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