I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I did not marry a roomba.
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