i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
