is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
