Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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