Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
