haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
