The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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