Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
