guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
