the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
