i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
