I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
