what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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