If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
