I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
