were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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