He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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