Sry I called you an 8
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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