Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
