kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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