i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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